I don’t spend a lot of time crying out to You. Oh, I cry out once in a while. But I never stick with it, never follow through to the end. I usually just quit and go back to the way things were. I do that in everything in my life.
At night, I’d rather pretend I’m someone else than spend time with You. In the morning, I’d rather sleep and dream than spend time with You.
In the big crises of my life, I’ve spent more time pleading than usual. But I still quit halfway through. Just like my golf swing – I stop when I hit the ball and don’t pay attention to the follow through. I spend a lot of time thinking about how things used to be. Perhaps that is what prevents my follow through.
I’m very good at jumping to conclusions. But really, I don’t even get that far. I just assume that whatever I’ve prayed for must not be in Your will, and give up. Like a rag doll, I just fall limply where I’m laid.
Even now, at this moment, I’m ready to stop and go on to something else. My mind is ready to wander away. Ready and totally willing.
Remember the deeds of the Lord. His miracles. Forget the bad. Concentrate on the good. Parents. Their love and care. Your keeping me from being hit by that car in grammar school. Eighth grade office assistant. I gave all that glory to You – no way I earned any of it. High school valedictorian. Beloved husband. Mom’s death – and a double rainbow. Foster child. Dad’s death – and a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. Best friendship. Best house. Best job.
Yes, the glory is Yours. But then again, these are all things I have worked on and followed through on. I have done it. I can do it. Show me Abba. Show me how to move forward. Lead me by the hand Abba – just as you did Moses and Aaron.